Best Hair Day... EVER

This is me in Elementary school. I think maybe 3rd or 4th grade? I am holding a book that I bought (aka - my parents bought) for the library. Inside the book it says my name and has a copy of this picture. I like to think that I am giving anyone who checks this book out a good laugh when they see this, if it is even still in there. I am actually more surprised this photo has not ended up on "Awkward Family Photos" or some other game/show where they make fun of old pictures. It wouldn't offend me in the least, because this photo is hilarious, and I don't judge my younger self. How can I? Look at the outfit I am wearing.

Take a minute to let that hair-don't sink it. It was the 80's and I had convinced my parents that I wanted a perm. My Dad actually gave me the perm. When he was younger and in the air-force, he got his Barber license which included learning how to do perms. (Disco hair anyone)? AND he was actually very good at them. He had a regular little side business for a few years in the 80's with me, my friends and the mothers of some of my friends. This was not his job, just something he did on the side to ensure that our family didn't go at least a week with out the stench of Oglive Home Perm penetrating our noses for 3 days at a time. My Dad is a great guy like that.

Broke Back Wallet

For the 2nd year in a row, I have correctly announced who would be winning the Kentucky Derby (before the race, smart asses).

Last year, I told my boss who was at the Kentucky Derby, via text, to bet on "I'll Have Another" Which she did and won a couple thousand dollars off a $10.00 bet.
Not only did she NOT give me a cut of the winnings, she didn't even bring be back souvenir! I would have been happy with a shirt that said "I correctly guessed the winner of the KD and all I got was this t-shirt".

I thought about watering her expensive plant with Orange Juice, but since I never made a stipulation in my text about sharing the winnings, I had to get over it.

Did I learn my lesson this year? No.

Matt and I were sitting on the couch, and they were showing the horses, and the horse named "Orb" caught my attention. I said to Matt, and he can verify this ridiculousness "Hey, that horse has my initials! Matt looked at me like I was crazy and said "what"?. I said "O - for OH, and RB for my name'
Get it? OH-RB.....
I thought I was pretty clever. Matt thought I was nuts. Pretty normal occurrence.

AND who won?

 

Next year, I am betting. But I am not telling you on who. :)

10 Things I hate about FB

So, I admit, I love Facebook. It's fun to see what everyone is doing, and to check out their pictures. If you pretend that you don't do the same, then you are either lying to yourself, or you don't have an account.

Regardless, here are ten things I dislike about FB. And before you go on a rant and tell me if I don't like it, I can just delete my page, remember this is my blog, and I can say whatever I want.

1. People over the age of 18 who write statuses to get attention. Example: "Oh I am so upset right now.....". Prompting suckers to comment with "Oh, what's wrong" and the author of the original comment will say "I don't want to talk about it".
Ugh. Your pathetic attempt at a pity party is ridiculous. Go volunteer at a Jr. High school where you can hang out with people who have the same drama as you.

2. Games. I do play some games, I love WWF, and Songpop. But I don't play them through FB. The constant requests every 3 seconds about giving them another life, joining their gang, or helping them guess the picture, are annoying. I try to hide the apps so I don't get the requests, but it's like trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreo's.

3. When people literally copy my original status and post it as their own. Really??

4. When people get super pissed if you don't comment on their status. I have seen a person post a status, and the next day, post another status about how pissed they were that no one commented on their original status. Settle down.

5. Duck Face. STOP IT. You look really stupid.

6. When people think every post you write is directly related to them.

7. When people post a picture and the caption says "OMG, I am so hideous".

8. When people want you to vote for a friend of a friend of a friend's baby in some baby contest. Unless I know the friend, or their baby, I am not voting.

9. Drama. I know I said that one before, but I have listed it twice because it's so ridiculous.

10. Anyone over 18 who change their relationship status to "it's complicated, to "in a relationship" 15 times a day.


With that said, there are a lot of things I love about FB. I like to see what people are up to, pictures, videos, recipes, etc. It's a great way to stay in touch with people you wouldn't normally be able to. :)

Pot Luck

I am always weary of Pot Lucks. Unless I know the person, their hygiene habits, and have witnessed their homes, I am probably not going to eat what someone brings, unless it's store bought, and hasn't been opened yet.

I have witnessed many disgusting habits of particularly gross co-workers such as: not washing after using the restroom, picking their faces, noses, ears, etc. Filing their toenails AT their desk. (barf) Wiping their snotty nose with their bare hand.. I could go on, but I am gagging a little just writing this. It's truly disgusting.
I have even been witness to a co-worker who had to be asked by management to take a shower, and manage their hygiene better, multiple times. I knew this person, I had seen their house, which surprisingly, was very clean. They had two bathrooms, that held two working showers, and bathtubs. I know they worked because when I pretended to use the bathroom, I turned on the faucet to see if water came out. It did.
This is the type of person who always brings things like rice krispie treats, because they can get their dirty gross hands all over the food they will serve to others. They should really call what they brought "fecal matter shit bars".

So this is why I am cautious of the food being brought to these events. When the suspect asks my why I am not eating what they brought in, I always make an excuse up like "oh, I'm just not hungry", or, "I ate what you brought first, and it was so good" or my food allergies stop me from eating it. *wink*

It's also hilarious to watch the people who are first in line. They start hovering about 10 minutes before the official start time and get right up in the front of the food, plate(s) in hand, rearing to go. They pile so much food on their plates like it's their last meal. Especially when there is something really good, and a limited quantity, they don't give a shit how many people are behind them and take 3 or 4 of whatever it is.

Things That Hurt

These are all occurrences that I have experienced, so I am justified in stating that they do in fact, HURT.

1. Sitting at your desk, forgetting that you have ear plugs in your ears, and also attached to your laptop, you get up to go do something, and about lose an ear.

2. Stapling your finger, not once but twice in a matter of ten minutes.

3. Punching yourself in the lip, causing it to bleed because you were sure that hair on your arm was really a giant spider trying to eat you.

4. Getting into a car, and the person driving starts to drive while I am midway through getting in, resulting in my foot getting ran over. (no broken bones, just a big giant bruise).

5. Sitting at the Dr. office, waiting for results of an x-ray (where I had two broken toes), and as she is talking to me, the giant framed in heavy wood picture on the wall falls down, and nails me in the head.

6. When you have the flu, and they stick the q-tips up your nose, into your brain to test what kind you have.

6a. When the nurse who just jabbed your brain drops the q-tip on the floor, and has to do it all over again. I won't say out loud the names I called her in my head. (Nurses put up with a lot of shit, so I forgave her pretty quickly. Even when she lost my blood vial and had to do those over again too).

7. Falling off a boat dock, (sober) in between the boat and dock, scraping the entire side of your body from shoulder to foot on the wooden dock.

8. Being on a boat outing with family and friends, my brother and I were sitting on the front of a boat in front of the glass windshield. (totally legal) Along comes another boat in the no wake zone we were in, speeding past us, creating a huge wake which resulting in my brother and I going through the windshield of the boat. We had so much blood everywhere we looked like we were just massacred. Walking from the dock to the car, people were gasping and asking if we were okay. My Mom, being the RN that she is, said it wasn't necessary to go to the hospital, or Dr. She took us home, pulled out all the glass (that we could find)and even put stitches on my leg. Pulling tiny shards of glass out of your body for two weeks is not fun.

9. Being bit by three different dogs. One in my face, one in my foot, one in my butt. And people wonder why I am scared of dogs.

10. Those old school pony-tail holders with the balls at the end. When you pulled them back to put in your hair, lost your grip and they sprung back and smacked your knuckle.

Something Smells Fishy.

If you are the person who re-heats fish, or any kind of seafood, in a community microwave, where the smell wafts through the air and pollutes all of your co-workers noses, you are an asshole. Additionally, if you have seafood leftovers that you aren't going to eat, throw them in the trash, tie the trash and bring out to the dumpster. Especially if it's on a night where the cleaning crew won't be in. That is not a good smell to walk into the next morning at work.

If you are this person, then I can only assume that you also burn popcorn.

Why 16 Year Old Clothing Store Associates Piss Me Off

Ugh. There is nothing worse than a cute little size 2 sales girl who giggles at everything you say, and calls you "hon" or "sweetie". When this happens, I feel myself throw up a little in my mouth, and I think swallowing it would better than the catastrophe of clothes shopping/trying on that is about to happen.

It's not them personally I dislike, more so their lack of understanding what happens to your body after you get older; your hips get bigger, and your metabolism doesn't just slow down, it head on collides with a giant stop sign. They mock you by knocking on the door of the dressing room you are in and bringing you a x-small shirt and say "hi hon, thought this would go great with the pants you are trying on". I often ignore them, even when they ask if everything is okay, because I am pretty sure they don't want to hear my response. I have often thought in my head would go one of two ways:

1. A quote taken from one of my favorite movies, Bridesmaids: "Why don't you go fuck yourself". I laugh every time I see that scene, or think it in my head. In my opinion it's a good response for any crappy situation. But then an image of my Mom pops in my head and she HATES the "F" word, so I refrain.

2. The second response would be directed towards the girls who call me "hon": "Listen sweetheart, why don't you take this x-small tank top that would probably cover one of my boobs, shove it up your ass, and go get me a medium. Thanks Doll"

But, I remember once I was a skinny teenager, and forgive them for their ignorance. Although I never called anyone "hon" "sweetie", especially people older than me.

After sickening sweet sales girls in clothing stores, trying on jeans has to be the worst possible activity ever. Seriously. I either need to drink a lot before going, or steal an anti-depressant from someone at a Kenny G reunion concert. Or go with my Mom, because she will be totally honest and not let me buy something hideous.

Here are some things I would rather do then try on jeans:

1. Root Canal with no Novocaine
2. Surgery with out anesthesia
3. Watch Gigli and Jersey girl for 2 days straight
4. Wait in line at the DMV, and then when it is just about my turn, go to the back of the line
5. Pluck all my leg hair, one by one