I am NOT Falling for You....

Once upon a time, in my early twenties, I went on a blind date with this guy. You know how you can tell it is going to be a disaster from the get go? That's how this date went.
The first thing he said to me when I answered the door was, "wow, your hair is too long, you should cut it, but you have a cute face and body so that is okay". Um, okay.....I chalked it up to him being nervous, and we walked to his car. Inside his car, he had a garter hung from the review mirror. That was only cool, well, never. His car was also a complete mess. I had to clear off the seat myself, as he said "just throw that stuff on the floor". I was barley seated before he took off at full speed down the side street, and driving like a maniac. At this point, I thought about just opening the car door, and flinging myself out taking my chances with road rash and broken bones. I thought that might be less painful than sitting in this filthy car with this guy who was now blasting some heavy metal crap at full volume, while attempting to talk yell at me. He also kept rolling down all of the windows, including mine, to which I would promptly roll back up, not because I really cared at this point what my hair looked like, but my "too long" hair kept whipping me in my face.

We finally got to the restaurant and it was one of those places where they have a huge outdoor patio, and to get to the main doors, you have to walk up a long walkway, in front of all the people on the patio. As we were walking up, I was not paying attention, because my mind was focused on how the hell I was going to make it through dinner, and all of the sudden, BAM. I tripped and totally fell over a step, onto the concrete, skinning my hands, and knees. For half a second, I contemplated pretending I was unconscious so an ambulance would have to come and rescue me away from this date. Instead, I looked up to the sound of everyone on the patio applauding. It was the first time in my many years of klutziness that anyone had appreciated it, so I stood up and bowed, and people laughed. I figured it would make for a good conversation for them later on. My date however, was mortified. He looked at me like I was crazy and said "aren't you totally embarrassed? I am so embarrassed for you". I just gave him a scathing look, and we continued on into the restaurant. I wiped some of my blood from my hand on the back of his shirt so that made me feel better. I have no idea why at this point I didn't just ask him to take me home, maybe I really had hit my head and was losing it.

We were sat at a table, and ordered drinks. I ordered a beer, to which he promptly made fun of me for ordering. I have no idea why. Boy wonder ordered a Manhattan. I asked him if he got a senior discount with that drink, and he clearly did not think that was funny, because he said "I don't get it".

He then starts yapping about his house he shared with 3 other guys, (and probably cockroaches and other various bugs), talking about this "awesome hot tub" they had. He suggested after dinner, we go back to his house and sit in the hot tub, and then he followed that up with this gem: "No suits allowed", and winked. It was at this point that I knew I needed to escape. I told him I had to go to the bathroom, and I walked out the door to the patio, out to the parking lot, and hid behind another building until my friend came and picked me up.
Thus ending my first, and last, blind date.

Best Hair Day... EVER

This is me in Elementary school. I think maybe 3rd or 4th grade? I am holding a book that I bought (aka - my parents bought) for the library. Inside the book it says my name and has a copy of this picture. I like to think that I am giving anyone who checks this book out a good laugh when they see this, if it is even still in there. I am actually more surprised this photo has not ended up on "Awkward Family Photos" or some other game/show where they make fun of old pictures. It wouldn't offend me in the least, because this photo is hilarious, and I don't judge my younger self. How can I? Look at the outfit I am wearing.

Take a minute to let that hair-don't sink it. It was the 80's and I had convinced my parents that I wanted a perm. My Dad actually gave me the perm. When he was younger and in the air-force, he got his Barber license which included learning how to do perms. (Disco hair anyone)? AND he was actually very good at them. He had a regular little side business for a few years in the 80's with me, my friends and the mothers of some of my friends. This was not his job, just something he did on the side to ensure that our family didn't go at least a week with out the stench of Oglive Home Perm penetrating our noses for 3 days at a time. My Dad is a great guy like that.

Broke Back Wallet

For the 2nd year in a row, I have correctly announced who would be winning the Kentucky Derby (before the race, smart asses).

Last year, I told my boss who was at the Kentucky Derby, via text, to bet on "I'll Have Another" Which she did and won a couple thousand dollars off a $10.00 bet.
Not only did she NOT give me a cut of the winnings, she didn't even bring be back souvenir! I would have been happy with a shirt that said "I correctly guessed the winner of the KD and all I got was this t-shirt".

I thought about watering her expensive plant with Orange Juice, but since I never made a stipulation in my text about sharing the winnings, I had to get over it.

Did I learn my lesson this year? No.

Matt and I were sitting on the couch, and they were showing the horses, and the horse named "Orb" caught my attention. I said to Matt, and he can verify this ridiculousness "Hey, that horse has my initials! Matt looked at me like I was crazy and said "what"?. I said "O - for OH, and RB for my name'
Get it? OH-RB.....
I thought I was pretty clever. Matt thought I was nuts. Pretty normal occurrence.

AND who won?

 

Next year, I am betting. But I am not telling you on who. :)

10 Things I hate about FB

So, I admit, I love Facebook. It's fun to see what everyone is doing, and to check out their pictures. If you pretend that you don't do the same, then you are either lying to yourself, or you don't have an account.

Regardless, here are ten things I dislike about FB. And before you go on a rant and tell me if I don't like it, I can just delete my page, remember this is my blog, and I can say whatever I want.

1. People over the age of 18 who write statuses to get attention. Example: "Oh I am so upset right now.....". Prompting suckers to comment with "Oh, what's wrong" and the author of the original comment will say "I don't want to talk about it".
Ugh. Your pathetic attempt at a pity party is ridiculous. Go volunteer at a Jr. High school where you can hang out with people who have the same drama as you.

2. Games. I do play some games, I love WWF, and Songpop. But I don't play them through FB. The constant requests every 3 seconds about giving them another life, joining their gang, or helping them guess the picture, are annoying. I try to hide the apps so I don't get the requests, but it's like trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreo's.

3. When people literally copy my original status and post it as their own. Really??

4. When people get super pissed if you don't comment on their status. I have seen a person post a status, and the next day, post another status about how pissed they were that no one commented on their original status. Settle down.

5. Duck Face. STOP IT. You look really stupid.

6. When people think every post you write is directly related to them.

7. When people post a picture and the caption says "OMG, I am so hideous".

8. When people want you to vote for a friend of a friend of a friend's baby in some baby contest. Unless I know the friend, or their baby, I am not voting.

9. Drama. I know I said that one before, but I have listed it twice because it's so ridiculous.

10. Anyone over 18 who change their relationship status to "it's complicated, to "in a relationship" 15 times a day.


With that said, there are a lot of things I love about FB. I like to see what people are up to, pictures, videos, recipes, etc. It's a great way to stay in touch with people you wouldn't normally be able to. :)

Pot Luck

I am always weary of Pot Lucks. Unless I know the person, their hygiene habits, and have witnessed their homes, I am probably not going to eat what someone brings, unless it's store bought, and hasn't been opened yet.

I have witnessed many disgusting habits of particularly gross co-workers such as: not washing after using the restroom, picking their faces, noses, ears, etc. Filing their toenails AT their desk. (barf) Wiping their snotty nose with their bare hand.. I could go on, but I am gagging a little just writing this. It's truly disgusting.
I have even been witness to a co-worker who had to be asked by management to take a shower, and manage their hygiene better, multiple times. I knew this person, I had seen their house, which surprisingly, was very clean. They had two bathrooms, that held two working showers, and bathtubs. I know they worked because when I pretended to use the bathroom, I turned on the faucet to see if water came out. It did.
This is the type of person who always brings things like rice krispie treats, because they can get their dirty gross hands all over the food they will serve to others. They should really call what they brought "fecal matter shit bars".

So this is why I am cautious of the food being brought to these events. When the suspect asks my why I am not eating what they brought in, I always make an excuse up like "oh, I'm just not hungry", or, "I ate what you brought first, and it was so good" or my food allergies stop me from eating it. *wink*

It's also hilarious to watch the people who are first in line. They start hovering about 10 minutes before the official start time and get right up in the front of the food, plate(s) in hand, rearing to go. They pile so much food on their plates like it's their last meal. Especially when there is something really good, and a limited quantity, they don't give a shit how many people are behind them and take 3 or 4 of whatever it is.

Things That Hurt

These are all occurrences that I have experienced, so I am justified in stating that they do in fact, HURT.

1. Sitting at your desk, forgetting that you have ear plugs in your ears, and also attached to your laptop, you get up to go do something, and about lose an ear.

2. Stapling your finger, not once but twice in a matter of ten minutes.

3. Punching yourself in the lip, causing it to bleed because you were sure that hair on your arm was really a giant spider trying to eat you.

4. Getting into a car, and the person driving starts to drive while I am midway through getting in, resulting in my foot getting ran over. (no broken bones, just a big giant bruise).

5. Sitting at the Dr. office, waiting for results of an x-ray (where I had two broken toes), and as she is talking to me, the giant framed in heavy wood picture on the wall falls down, and nails me in the head.

6. When you have the flu, and they stick the q-tips up your nose, into your brain to test what kind you have.

6a. When the nurse who just jabbed your brain drops the q-tip on the floor, and has to do it all over again. I won't say out loud the names I called her in my head. (Nurses put up with a lot of shit, so I forgave her pretty quickly. Even when she lost my blood vial and had to do those over again too).

7. Falling off a boat dock, (sober) in between the boat and dock, scraping the entire side of your body from shoulder to foot on the wooden dock.

8. Being on a boat outing with family and friends, my brother and I were sitting on the front of a boat in front of the glass windshield. (totally legal) Along comes another boat in the no wake zone we were in, speeding past us, creating a huge wake which resulting in my brother and I going through the windshield of the boat. We had so much blood everywhere we looked like we were just massacred. Walking from the dock to the car, people were gasping and asking if we were okay. My Mom, being the RN that she is, said it wasn't necessary to go to the hospital, or Dr. She took us home, pulled out all the glass (that we could find)and even put stitches on my leg. Pulling tiny shards of glass out of your body for two weeks is not fun.

9. Being bit by three different dogs. One in my face, one in my foot, one in my butt. And people wonder why I am scared of dogs.

10. Those old school pony-tail holders with the balls at the end. When you pulled them back to put in your hair, lost your grip and they sprung back and smacked your knuckle.

Something Smells Fishy.

If you are the person who re-heats fish, or any kind of seafood, in a community microwave, where the smell wafts through the air and pollutes all of your co-workers noses, you are an asshole. Additionally, if you have seafood leftovers that you aren't going to eat, throw them in the trash, tie the trash and bring out to the dumpster. Especially if it's on a night where the cleaning crew won't be in. That is not a good smell to walk into the next morning at work.

If you are this person, then I can only assume that you also burn popcorn.